Grieve on Purpose

​When I spoke to a support group recently about grieving the losses of illness, one part they found really helpful was the idea of grieving on purpose. Grief is one of those things that you need to make a conscious effort to keep in balance. Mostly we want to avoid painful feelings, to push them away and distract ourselves, hoping they will go away on their own. . The trouble is negative feelings don’t go away on 

their own. Instead we have to pay attention to them. Unresolved grief is traumatic,  and it keeps disrupting your life like a festering wound that won’t heal. On the other hand, once we start noticing or talking about painful feelings, we may become overwhelmed by them, preoccupied with them, and stuck in grief. Contrary to popular belief, endlessly discussing or processing feelings without reaching a state of resolution or acceptance is not helpful.

One way to keep grief in balance is to grieve on purpose. The idea is to set aside a specific amount of time most everyday so that you are intentional in processing a small amount everyday. The second part is that you are mindful of switching out of the state of grief. That is, you use a healthy form of distraction to hit your mind’s “reset button” so to speak. Try this:

1. Set a timer for 10 minutes a day
2. Feel sadness and other feelings during this 10 minutes. Writing is a great way to process feelings and grief. This is often called “writing to heal” or “expressive writing.”
3. Right away do something completely different to change your state. Take 10 minutes to do something physical that involves your 5 senses. Some examples are breathing, walking, petting your pet, or taking a shower. It’s important to be mindful of noticing sensations rather than letting your thoughts and feelings dominate your mind. Read about mindfulness here.